dailylifestruggles

Just another spanner in the works🫣

Evening.

Thought I’d come on here and talk about the weekend I had. Eventful for sure, as I said in my previous post it was my birthday and I was going away for the weekend with my partner to try relax before the week ahead.

Well tomorrow I was suppose to be having some treatment on my cervix for the second time due to having cin1. And I didn’t mention that I’ve been arguing for months now about me wanting to have a hysterectomy due to number of gynaecology issues.

Well Friday came ready to take my eldest daughter to school before I went away, and it was the day we all dread as women. “The time off the month” I don’t know what came over me to do a pregnancy maybe because of the treatment I was having but anyway yes I got the biggest shock of my life when it came back POSTIVE🥴.

It’s took me whole weekend to try and process the fact am literally pregnant and going to have a third child. Still even now I’m like wtf!. But I believe a child is a blessing and these things happen for a reason thankfully I spoke to the gynaecologist who said it’s safe for me to wait a year for the treatment so that’s a relief! But yes guys this is why I don’t drink 😂 but yeah lots of mixed emotions right now but I’ll get threw it!

Thank you for reading

Too young for a hysterectomy?

Evening all.

Todays been a hard one for me. Woke up feeling rather tired after a rough sleep. For anyone who suffers with fibromyalgia would understand my legs were very restless. Did the usual mum morning routine got my oldest off to school and youngest went to her grandparents for the weekend.

Off to caravan tomorrow for 2 nights with my partner just some relaxing time together before the week ahead.

So I made a massive step and took on some counciling and cbt which actually my first session is on Monday (which is my birthday) fun times! But I’m determined to make changes.

Follow my birthday on Tuesday am yet to face another obstacle in my life which is going for laser treatment on my cervix for the second time😏.

Let me just say it was around 8 years ago I had to have my first lot of treatment after fighting for a smear when having issues but the doctors claiming I wasn’t old enough. After a fight the hospital gave me one and the findings was hpv virus positive and cin3. I had to have a loop diathermy and let’s just say isn’t not a nice experience at all and they made it even worse for me after telling me to “keep still” despite me saying I could still feel it after the local anaesthetic. After that I was very tearful as it hurt and just itself in general was very traumatic and the nurse wasn’t sympathetic at all telling me not to “cry” when going outside as I might scare people! How rude. I quickly got dressed with blood running all over couldn’t get out the door quick enough holding back tears till I got out back to my partner. Following this I ended up loosing a lot of blood and ended up back in hospital that night as it wasn’t sealed properly and resulted in me loosing a lot of blood and a womb infection! Enough to traumatise anyone right?

Anyway I’ve been back to my doctors now number of times the last year asking for a smear test due to having a lump down there. Refused number of times cos I wasn’t “due” one what nonsense that is. Well I’ve been under gynaecology now since I was first diagnosed with endometriosis over 10 years ago!. So after been refused my smear I thought I’d wait to show my gyny. The appointment was 3 months anyway but I thuged it out that week came it got cancelled 🤦‍♀️ my new appointment was 3 months later that would have been 12 months since the issue began.

So I decided to pay private. May I add it’s the same gynaecologist I paid £125 to see that I see free on the nhs. Anyway she listened and agreed because I didn’t have private healthcare she would send a letter to my doctor to request I could have smear test. And a urgent colposcopy.

So I had my smear done after the doctor then saying to me it may get rejected as I wasn’t “due” when clearly this isn’t right as I had symptoms.

Few weeks later I got the all clear. Negative hpv normal smear test. Relief!

Got my appointment to attend my colposcopy. Very nervous while having it done. The doctor went on the take some biopsies ( in my head I new it wasn’t right) he said they would contact me with the results.

Turns out my biopsy came back abnormal and hpv positive. How wasn’t this picked up on my smear?

I actually asked for a hysterectomy as my gyni confirmed abnormal cells can come back in 2% if people and shock I was on of them. So chances are it could come back again. I didn’t mention I had a lot of other gynaecology issues I’ve been battling over the years too. So I begged and said please can I just have a hysterectomy. I have 2 girls I have no itention of having any more children and I just want to try fix the issue I have and live a better life instead of suffering with pain. The answer they gave me is NO because of my age! Am only almost 33 but that’s not old enough. Despite having 10 years of gynaecology issues. Enough to right a book. And this is the second time to go threw this process again. Just physically and mentally draining. Surely a women should get the choice. I have enough medical evidence to support it too just a simple no because of my age?. That’s just mind blowing!

But yes very stressed to go threw this again and it makes my stomach turn with worry just thinking about it! But yeah hopefully will go abit better this time and I make. A good recovery! But going to try to enjoy my 2 nights away first!

Thanks for reading!❤️

Coming up to my 33rd birthday and in my 33 years I learnt a lot along the way..

One of biggest lessons I learnt is been nice to people gets you nowhere “family” included.

I came to this conclusion due to everyone not ever giving a shit about my feelings but I’m always the one to care about everyone else. I’d like to say I’m a outspoken person when needed but have a very good heart always there for a people no matter what. Meanwhile I’ve been treated so poorly by people who are suppose to love you unconditionally. The person who gave birth to me who’s meant to be your number one supporter over a year turned her back on me and my siblings over something her husband did.

Been a mother myself I will never understand or forgive I just couldn’t ever do that to my own children.

I mean she’s never really been the maternal mother but this was just the final straw.

What “mother” sticks by a man who does something so terrible that you have to take a phone call from social services informing me my children can no longer have contact with “my mum & her husband”. Mum obviously doesn’t see the issue and made me go threw every emotion still to this day. A whole year of no contact just made me realise she’s not worth my time. I’ve always wanted that love and never got it. As I said she was t the best mum when growing up.

Lied a lot and always put men before her children. Honestly I could write a book. But the thing I struggle with is thinking back to all the times she mistreated me or the fact she cut us children out to stand by a guilty man. We clearly wasn’t ever enough.

I guess I’ll forever feel that pain. I feel anger when I see people close with there mums i never had that. I feel hurt I feel let down. It also has a massive impact on the way I am with my children putting massive pressure on myself always making sure my kids feel loved and giving them anything they want or need. This impacts me so bad to the point in often asking myself if I’m good enough for my kids.

I look back at my childhood thinking I should have said more. I should have stood up for myself more. Don’t get me wrongs the times I did I had to take a few hits. But 33 years later suffering with the trauma still to this day isn’t easy.

I feel a attitude towards people now as tho it’s something say why be nice to people who treat you poor? Because that clearly gets you nowhere. I’m tired of people thinking they can just treat me how they want to and that’s fine. No it’s not fine I’m a human I have feelings and the feeling of never ever feeling love from your own mother really is the worst feeling ever. I suffer with my mental health for a while now tbh I think I did pretty much all my life I was just indinal because I always was taught it’s “weak” to cry suck it up and get on with it. So that’s what I did.

I mean I came on here to try and speak openly about me feelings to try get this heavy load of my shoulders and try to make myself feel that bit better. I’m going on to do counselling and cbt therapy I just hope this will fix me. As right now I just feel like I’m a hole that I cannot get out. My birthday is next week I’ve got a lot going on due health conditions so that’s stressful enough never mind thinking my own mum won’t even care it’s my birthday🤷🏽‍♀️ I don’t feel there is anyway back with her now the damage is done. But I just feel the want to fix myself. Be me again i want to and need to do that for my children. Cos they deserve the best. Something I never had. When all I ever wanted was to feel LOVED😭