One of biggest lessons I learnt is been nice to people gets you nowhere “family” included.
I came to this conclusion due to everyone not ever giving a shit about my feelings but I’m always the one to care about everyone else. I’d like to say I’m a outspoken person when needed but have a very good heart always there for a people no matter what. Meanwhile I’ve been treated so poorly by people who are suppose to love you unconditionally. The person who gave birth to me who’s meant to be your number one supporter over a year turned her back on me and my siblings over something her husband did.
Been a mother myself I will never understand or forgive I just couldn’t ever do that to my own children.
I mean she’s never really been the maternal mother but this was just the final straw.
What “mother” sticks by a man who does something so terrible that you have to take a phone call from social services informing me my children can no longer have contact with “my mum & her husband”. Mum obviously doesn’t see the issue and made me go threw every emotion still to this day. A whole year of no contact just made me realise she’s not worth my time. I’ve always wanted that love and never got it. As I said she was t the best mum when growing up.
Lied a lot and always put men before her children. Honestly I could write a book. But the thing I struggle with is thinking back to all the times she mistreated me or the fact she cut us children out to stand by a guilty man. We clearly wasn’t ever enough.
I guess I’ll forever feel that pain. I feel anger when I see people close with there mums i never had that. I feel hurt I feel let down. It also has a massive impact on the way I am with my children putting massive pressure on myself always making sure my kids feel loved and giving them anything they want or need. This impacts me so bad to the point in often asking myself if I’m good enough for my kids.
I look back at my childhood thinking I should have said more. I should have stood up for myself more. Don’t get me wrongs the times I did I had to take a few hits. But 33 years later suffering with the trauma still to this day isn’t easy.
I feel a attitude towards people now as tho it’s something say why be nice to people who treat you poor? Because that clearly gets you nowhere. I’m tired of people thinking they can just treat me how they want to and that’s fine. No it’s not fine I’m a human I have feelings and the feeling of never ever feeling love from your own mother really is the worst feeling ever. I suffer with my mental health for a while now tbh I think I did pretty much all my life I was just indinal because I always was taught it’s “weak” to cry suck it up and get on with it. So that’s what I did.
I mean I came on here to try and speak openly about me feelings to try get this heavy load of my shoulders and try to make myself feel that bit better. I’m going on to do counselling and cbt therapy I just hope this will fix me. As right now I just feel like I’m a hole that I cannot get out. My birthday is next week I’ve got a lot going on due health conditions so that’s stressful enough never mind thinking my own mum won’t even care it’s my birthday🤷🏽♀️ I don’t feel there is anyway back with her now the damage is done. But I just feel the want to fix myself. Be me again i want to and need to do that for my children. Cos they deserve the best. Something I never had. When all I ever wanted was to feel LOVED😭
Mental health struggles 